Current mood:  sleepy
Category: Romance and Relationships

I'm such a sap.
I really like him
But I don't think he "gets" how simple this is supposed to be.
I'm spoiled.
I don't like to share my toys.
I don't play nicely with others...
Mostly because others don't know how to play...
So last night,
After hitting the pink carpet at this DVD release party
Doing some press
getting drinks at the VIP bar
enjoying one another's company was interrupted
by my play-brother Suave
and his girl Candace
mentioning that he and his girl were living together.
Not that I didn't know they were doing the room mate thing
I'd already warned him that in a 19 year old girl brain
the room mate thing translated into
"my man and I have moved in together"
despite anything he's said
no matter how repeatedly
about them not being together anymore.
I decided en route to my place
that I wouldn't do it anymore.
We like each other
But I've been in my situation (with myLove) since she was like...
12 years old.
So why would I reduce myself
to appearing to be so shady
as to steal some little girl's boyfriend from her
Hell, I may be a Porn Star
But I'm not a Homewrecker.

I believe its possible to feel something strong for more than one person...
I believe its possible to enjoy intimacy with more than one person...

But I believe that in order to do that
there has to be complete honesty
complete trust
complete openess...
I believe you can't hide your wishes
or your desires
not from your partners
and not from yourself.

I believe that he is lying to himself
about what he really wants in his life.
Either that,
or he hasn't quite figured out what that is.

And that's perfectly okay.

But at 33,
With the Love of my life in place
completely secure in my ability to go out and play
and enjoy intimate little affairs
to experience my own personal growth
I dare not enter into a situation
where there is a question
of honesty
and intent.

Thats what this whole thing is about...
Intent.

I explained to him last night
that there are rules of engagement
to every encounter in life.
And that if he wants to be involved with me
he has to man the fuck up
and stop playing games
with me
with her
with himself...
and start laying down
and living by the rules.
Whatever they may be.

Rule #1 for me?
Always tell the truth.
No matter what.

He moved from the doorway where I'd stopped him in his tracks and said I couldn't see him anymore...
He moved to where I stood leaning against the kitchen counter
and pushed against me
brushing those soft lips of his against my neck
and his check against my own

"How can you just...
end it so easily?"

He doesn't understand me at all...

I pointed out that I was merely doing as I had forewarned.
I gave fair warning that if I felt that his situatiion was going to be detrimental
that I'd back down - quickly.
In an industry
where everyone knows everyone
and people gossip
I will NOT have directors
or talent
not wanting to work with me
behind some little high school romance gone arry.

I do enjoy him
And I know...
that he really enjoys
perhaps prefers
my company.
But of course,
I'm a woman.
And with me,
in my company
even if not in my bed
he truly gets to experience
what it feels like to be treated
like a Man
by a woman...
But I can not be his escape.
I can not be his mistress.
I will not play second fiddle
to someone beneath me.

And so...
Our little affair must come to an end.

I wish it could be different.
He had said last night
that he has an exit plan
but that I never asked.

"Its not my place to ask you what you plan to do about a situation you claim is already over. If you want me to know, you would tell me."

He agreed.

I gave him an option tonight...
To give me a reason
to keep him around.

It sucks because over the last few weeks we have agreed to shoot a ton of content with and for each other...
for our mutual internet projects.
I know that we can do so much business together.
That we could easily rule a kingdom
within our industry.
We have so much in common
not to mention that we are both driven
and ambitious
with similar professional goals.

So we've agreed to continue our professional mission
hopefully it will not be too awkward...

I'm not a complete hard ass...
But I will not settle for less.
I demand the best
from everyone around me...

Let's see if he can pick up the pace
And be better than he credits himself to be.

~*~ Sinny ~*~